For a very long time I have pushed the idea of "detachment". A mindset that is apart, that is solitary, a single shimmering spark - free from the consequence of everything, because its heart is not intertwined in the dramatic, glittering details of life.
Its a good theory... Much is avoided, so many sufferings - perhaps too much. The detachment from pain, the detachment from possession, the detachment from ownership, from loyalty, from friendship, detachment from love. Perhaps too much? I think so.
Detaching oneself from the sufferings and the pleasures of existence is like a rock in a river, determined to avoid the water which surrounds it. It struggles and pushes and attempts to be dry.. and yet it was never meant to be. It belongs to the river; is the river - is made to be wet, made to be roughed and tumbled and smoothed. It is the gray, rough wildness of earth; neighbor to salvation and to Ecstasy and to freedom.
I am wondering more and more intently about "attachment". The more I contemplate it, the more I am compelled to explore the intricacies of my involvement in life; instead of maintaining a resolute avoidance. I'm interested in pursuing a healthy, complete, and unreserved attachment to this moment. For the first time, I am pro-attachment - and it feels amazing.
What does that mean to me?
I want to suggest an attachment to life that is healthy, real and deliberate. An attachment based on truth - two truths actually:
1.) I deserve nothing.
2.) All that is life - is fleeting.
An attachment based on those two principals... changes everything; it changes what I love, what I pursue, what I enjoy, what I speak, it allows me to completely touch the corners of humanity of sensuality, of happiness and no longer be afraid.
No longer afraid. That is a good place to roar. I think the major difficulty with "de-tachment" is the constant fear of allowing life to somehow reach my soul. When I am trying to detach myself.. I cannot love, I cannot care, I cannot breathe too much or swim too deeply.. because I might be affected. That is almost unbearable. It is a cold, ruthless choice, that saves us from suffering, and at the same time starves us from joy.
In the arms of "healthy attachment" I can smile.. I can hold and touch all those things that were always so detached, so far away. There is no longer fear, because the objects and experiences of life do not hold value in themselves anymore... I give them true value.
A healthy look at attachment: (the one I'd like to pursue)
I am attached to the world, I love it - the people, the places, the days. I enjoy it, I share and smile and wander among all the splendid wildness.. but I do not cling; not to my own life nor anyone else' - because we are all living on sacred, undeserved time. I own possessions like I own water. I am attached only to the beauty that is mine for an instant - be it the sails of a boat, be it a bicycle in a park, be it my health, be it money. This way.. I am not lost. I am not destitute and cold and untouchable. I am touched very much, but I am not owned; never owned. Never a slave.
I long to attach.
Part of my heart beats for it. To be in this world to feel it between my fingers, in my hair, on my skin... to be like the rock in the river, letting the water saturate me - letting it find my rough edges and my stone back and my dusty eyes and my hot dry mouth. This life was made to touch.. a healthy touch.. a touch that knows it deserves nothing, a touch that knows the fleeting and impermanence of these days. I want that attachment.