Thursday, September 30, 2010
“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.” - Frank Herbert
Cairns are a group of rocks stacked on top of each other, left by hikers and explores to help others find their way along a trail.
They are void of elegance - brutal, heavy.
They are necessary - if you don't want to just wander aimlessly along.
Some days I feel like life is very much like a cairn..
As I discover the pieces left by other travellers, the stones of of their ideas... the rocks of truths and jagged wisdom.
These stones that we're standing on, they let us see the trail better... I want to be a part of that.
I love that we are building this together.. that its not just you or me.. its us. Rock by rock. Thought by thought.
My friends are incredible.. I am greatful for you all.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Playing music at some of the festivals along the road.. I feel sometimes that my music is only as good at the response that people give me.
This is not true. I know for certain, that when I play songs, they come from the inside of my heart, and make me feel relaxed and calm.. I love music, I love being a part of sound and emotion. But sometimes I start playing, and its as if my value is being drawn by the response of strangers.. like I want them to walk up and quietly acknowledge my efforts. I feel this voice inside, this annoying child calling out: "TELL ME THAT I EXIST."
Sometimes, I do not believe in my own existence.
That I'm here, that I'm real, that I have worth.
I laugh at myself when I catch these thoughts.. I know better!
I think a lot of us feel the exact same way though... Just look around!
We are all dying to find our self worth. Simply look at the relationships we chase, the censored ways we interact with each other, the homes we live in, the cars we drive, our pursuits, our thoughts, our songs, our poetry... having people see value in us.. consumes us!
Beyond mere superficiality, we are aching for someone to validate us. Maybe just a glance, maybe with their words, or their envy, or maybe with compliments.. deep down we feel as though we have no worth until someone gives it to us.
I love hearing my own name. Maybe you do too? When a lover whispers it in my ear, or when a Friend says it while we're playing volleyball.. I love hearing my name because I think I am constantly looking for someone to validate my existence here - letting me know I am worth something. I know I am real, but for some reason it registers more deeply when someone else says it.
I think most of us like hearing our own names; metaphorically perhaps... We feed off of the recognition or approval that others give us, because we are not truly convinced of our existence.. our worth. We spend a great deal of our lives striving to achieve and accomplish more, in order to hear people call our names... to qualify us.
WE EXIST. WE HAVE WORTH. It was with us the day we were born.. and the same amount will be with us until the day we depart from these bodies.
If I play music and people love it... I have worth.
If I play music and people hate it... I have worth.
I don't need anyone to approve of me, or acknowledge me, in order to exist.
If we embraced that truth... If we knew it and held it above everything.. Imagine what we could be and do!
What if we could shout our own names and know that we gave ourselves worth..
No more looking for others to say it, no more searching for possessions to give it - it was ours. We would be free just to live.
I exist, you exist - we are already perfect.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
"I'm leaving for the great wide open plains
Leaving while this holy spark remains
I see you've written promises to make me stay
But it really doesn't matter now anyway
True love feeds on absences like pleasure feeds on pain
So no matter where I'm standing I still love you all the same"
- Set the tigers free, The Villagers
Friday, September 17, 2010
We stood at the edge of a thunderstorm today, looking up into a sunset surrounded by rambling purples and exotic blues. We watched a wall of rain falling a few hundred yards away, but none came to us. Standing there, covered in perspiration, just listening, just inhaling, just resting silently .. everything loud and troublesome, every doubt and struggle fades into the distance; dissolves away into nothingness - like being caught inside a cloud for a moment where there is no such thing as bad.the trail quietly continues ahead.
We are not the trail.. the things we create in our minds are not the trail.. the suffering that we believe in, and the pleasures that we endure are not the trail. Our experience of the trail, is not the trail.
They are us. Only us.
The trail will always quietly continue ahead and behind us.. .. despite my percpetion, despite my conclusions, despite my offense..
I want to comprehend that truth enough to live it.